On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
