Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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