Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
