you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
