I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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