I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
it's like iHOP with fire
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
