i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
