Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
