when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
