i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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