if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
