Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
