batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I pour the whiskey from now on
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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