I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
