now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
