Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You took a bar mat shot.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
