Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
