Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
