In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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