Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Well I just put wine in my tea
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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