you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
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