Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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