Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
