god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
