mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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