I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
