Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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