RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
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