at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize