The maid of honor just puked.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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