i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Let's get the cat blown out
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
