I wanna bring you to show and tell
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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