I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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