Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
