sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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