I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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