The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
