Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
