ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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