My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
