Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
