I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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