Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize