did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
