Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
