Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
