im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
