Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
