I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
