So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
