A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
