i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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