On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
