She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize