I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
