i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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