Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
