i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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