Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
