Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
