I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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